


Sustain

by somnimouse



Category: No Thank You!!! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Self-Harm, Spoilers, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnimouse/pseuds/somnimouse
Summary: Ryu begins to reap the consequences of his decisions.(Post-Ballad End.)
Relationships: Haru/Kurosawa Ryu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Sustain

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains a form of self-harm, suicidal ideation, and mentions of rape. Please take care while reading.

A day after the incident at Mimasaka's mansion, Ryu and Narimiya meet.

"I have several things to give you," the organization member says before Ryu opens his mouth. "I don't have much time, so I will make this quick." From his coat, he pulls out the phone case Ryu had given to Haru. The edges above the memory card's hiding slot have been haphazardly stitched back together. He must have done it himself.

Ryu takes the phone case back, but he still has many questions. "That idiot couldn't have returned it himself?"

Narimiya's jaw clenches the barest amount. "His body was disposed of by headquarters after I brought you back to your apartment."

Haru is dead.

A stinging sensation worms its way into Ryu's heart, and, when he fails to quash it, instead changes the subject. "Where is my sister? I know you still have her. Tell me where she is."

Narimiya slides his phone over. There's a video loading on the screen.

"This was what he wanted to protect you from, and what he was prepared to show you if you couldn't be convinced."

He presses play.

Ryu’s world crumbles more and more as the seconds go by. Narimiya offers him nothing but silence as he falls to his knees and wails in despair at the sight of his sister, his baby sister, in the video, mutilated and broken.

“Why? Why did this happen?” he whispers. “Please kill her! She’s suffered enough!"

Narimiya shakes his head. “I am not permitted to do so. If anyone was able to, it would have been him.”

The weight of Ryu's actions collapses into him like a crushing wave.

“There is nothing more that can be done,” Narimiya murmurs, eyes empty, “but I wished—I only wanted him, my little brother, to enjoy life.”

Two similarly broken men face each other. One continues to stand and go through the motions, and the other screams, and laughs, and screams some more.

\---

It should have been easy to put it aside in his mind and move on. He has more important things to worry about. Or, rather, he used to. What happens now?

Piano. He still has his beloved piano to return to.

But even that betrays him. Every time his fingers touch the keys, the memories, intertwined with the music, pierce his soul. His baby sister, sitting on the couch and listening, singing along.

Haru, smiling and laughing while he and Yufumi tinker around on the piano.

The notes become sour under hands that once played music like a god's. Defiant, Ryu continues to hammer out songs in spite of the aching in his chest.

When he finishes, he feels no euphoria settling in his bones. All he can taste is pure bitterness.

Put it aside and move on.

\---

Ryu’s treacherous body, too, has traces of Haru’s influence. He can still feel the ghost of Haru’s touch on his skin, his lips at his neck. The love in Haru’s eyes and the gentle touch of his hands as he looked at Ryu like he was something he wanted to protect.

No, Haru _did_ want to protect Ryu, even as he was bleeding to death with a loaded gun pointed at his head.

Ryu’s hands attack the piano with desperation, anything to forget the sensations and the memories. He doesn’t need them. He doesn’t need to remember that man. He wants to drown out his presence and move on as he’s always intended to do.

He only succeeds in making the aching and want and _pain_ worse, and it takes much, much longer than usual to quell those sensations.

The windmills of his mind, turning round and round, begin to burn at the rotors. 

\---

Even his fucking _apartment_ never fails to remind him of Haru. Ryu does not touch the vacuum cleaner for a good while because that was always the first thing Haru grabbed whenever he wanted to help out. 

But the thought and sensation of filth threaten to sink their claws into his mind as they always do, so Ryu takes the vacuum and uses it anyway. His hands throb in agony as the sound of Haru’s humming in his mind drowns out the device.

The bathtub. Haru liked to scrub that, too, whenever he went a little too far with his actions and upset Ryu.

His hands burn.

The plates and kitchen utensils. Haru always insisted on washing dishes after Ryu cooked.

His hands burn.

The table and the counters. Haru cleaned those, too. 

His hands burn.

He does not stop. He continues to scrub and play piano as if his life depends on it.

(Perhaps it does, since he has nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , left to live for now.)

\---

It doesn’t take much time for it to reach his sanctuary from hell on earth: sótano.

Mochizuki Kaori, pregnant with her and her husband's first child, no longer drinks when she visits. But instead of happily chatting with Hiroyuki or Kouichi as she usually does, she keeps her eyes on Ryu with motherly concern that makes him feel disgusted with himself.

“Kurosawa-kun,” she murmurs to Ryu as he cleans off the glasses. “Are you alright? Your songs sound different lately, and you don’t look so well.”

Ryu hates how inattentive he is, how his failings have leaked into his work, and how he’s making her worry. He offers her his most reassuring, most fake smile and lies through the skin of his teeth because that is what he’s best at.

“My apologies for your concern. I’m happy you’re keeping me in your thoughts, Ms. Mochizuki. It's been a long day.”

Kaori continues to frown at him, but when the other patrons aren’t looking, she closes her eyes and gently reaches her hand out to squeeze his arm in support.

 _I don’t need pity,_ Ryu thinks. _There is nothing to pity. How could I let this affect my work so easily?_

“It feels different without Haru-kun here. Is he on vacation?”

Ryu smiles, holding back the urge to let the cocktail glass in his hands drop to the floor, or even worse, smash it himself. “He left recently.”

Kaori’s head hangs a little. “Oh, no... I’ll miss him. He was really sweet...”

“We’ll do our best to make up for his absence,” Ryu says. “For now, would you like another side dish, Ms. Mochizuki?”

When he heads home for the day, Ryu goes straight to the piano. He does not stop to sleep, even when the searing pain in his hands becomes too much and his eyes begin to burn from exhaustion.

All Ryu can imagine while playing is Haru sitting on the very same bar stool Kaori chose last night as he brushed his hair and tied it up the first day they met.

\---

Kaori must have spoken to Ren about their conversation the day before because, before the bar opens for the evening, he asks, “It’s not my place to pry, but... did that guy have anything to do with your sister, Mr. Kurosawa?”

The mere mention of Haru causes Ryu’s hands to still for a moment on the office computer, something Ren takes as confirmation. “I always knew he was suspicious,” Ren mutters. “Since he left, you’ve been acting strangely. My sister, she says she noticed your music has been off-sounding.”

“Mochizuki.”

“Mr. Kurosawa, please.” Ren appears beside him out of the corner of his eye. “I’m worried about you. If that guy did anything to you, I’ll hunt him down and—” 

Ryu’s temper flares and his voice comes out louder and harsher than intended. “Mochizuki, that’s enough.”

Ren flinches. Ryu curses inwardly at his mistake. He’s never lost his cool in front of Ren before, and to so much as yell at him is unthinkable. Ren, who had a harsh childhood and no male role model, looks up to him, and Ryu had always been extremely careful not to hurt him. He clenches his teeth, turns off the computer and stands.

“Excuse me for a moment.”

“Mr. Kurosawa,” Ren whispers. “I’m sorry.”

Ryu says nothing as he heads to the bar to polish the piano. He’s furious at himself for being so careless.

Although he hears the bar door open and Kouichi walk in, he does not see Ren gesture him into the office and close the door.

Ryu heads straight home after work, anyway. He cleans and plays piano through the morning, avoiding his bed and trying to keep memories of Haru sleeping soundly beside him at bay.

His fingers and his wrists begin to tingle amidst the pain, but he doesn’t care anymore.

\---

Sleep claims him at some point, but so do the dreams.

Ryu dreams of Haru pressing kisses to his neck. One of Haru’s hands rubs his waist affectionately while the other snakes into Ryu’s palm, squeezing firmly. 

"Is this okay, Ryu?" Haru murmurs. They're nose to nose, and his eyes, as bright as the sky, peer deep into his heart, appraising and marvelling. "I don't want to hurt you."

 _I don’t believe you_ , Ryu thinks despite his heart and body screaming at him to hold Haru close and never let him go. _For a man who hates people who break their promises, you don't seem to have a problem with doing so yourself._

Haru smiles and buries his face into Ryu's shoulder. "I want to eat Ryu's cooking every day."

_I don’t believe you._

A teasing nip to Ryu's collarbone. “You, me and Squirt are kind of like a little family, huh?”

 _I don’t believe you_.

Lips at his ear. “I raped and killed your sister.”

The sound of a gunshot rings in Ryu's ears, and he's suddenly aware of the setting sun and the lake around them. He can feel a sharp prick at his neck when Haru is tackling him to the ground, and he’s both stunned and enraged the second he sees the syringe in the younger man’s hand.

"I don't... believe... you," Ryu tries to say, but his jaw does not move and he can feel his strength seep out of his body. He can’t be any more tired than Haru, who has soaked his shirt with his warm blood and is sweating from the effort, but Haru only lets out a weak laugh.

As Ryu’s eyelids droop, he can still make out the gentle, loving relief in Haru’s eyes as he sinks into his arms.

“You’re safe,” Haru murmurs, holding him close. “I’m happy.”

Ryu jolts awake, drenched in sweat and tears, and remembers just how truly alone he is by his own doing.

\---

What happened to Ai was completely out of his control. That doesn't stop Ryu from wanting, wishing to die, having lost his entire family, but at the very least, it wasn't his fault. He can only blame and rage at those responsible for her kidnapping and torture, and the unfairness of it all.

What happened to Haru, however, is a different story.

Ryu is not a heartless man. That is why, when he let Haru have his way with him after the fireworks festival, he knew catching feelings was a risky possibility. But it worked out in his favor; Haru fell in love with him and would do anything to ensure his safety, even break his own promise.

And so, even though he loved him, too, because Ryu couldn’t trust him completely, he sent Haru to his death.

Haru died because of him. Ryu killed the one man who would move mountains for him and free his sister. The man he loved would have done anything for him, and he was disposed of, just like his body at the organization. Had he simply trusted Haru, he'd still be here.

The fact that Ryu is alone now is entirely his own fault, and he cannot forgive that. Everything in his empty home reminds him of Haru and the joy he brought with him, especially the piano and the vacuum cleaner. Haru's love haunts him endlessly. 

Perhaps that is why he can't stop operating them. Even if he loses sleep, even if the memories destroy his fingers and ruin the sound of his music, Ryu wants to see him, feel him once more, as selfish as it is.

\---

Kouichi must have seen enough because he lets himself into Ryu's apartment with the spare key one Sunday morning, takes one look at Ryu at the piano, and remarks, very sternly, "You can't go on like this."

Ryu is very much aware, but chooses to do so anyway. His hands remain in his lap as he stares at the keyboard. “Mr. Inui.”

“Listen," Kouichi sighs, tossing a bag of onigiri on the side table near the sofa. "You’re taking the week off from work.”

Unexpectedly, Ryu says nothing.

Kouichi grabs him by the shoulders firmly and turns Ryu toward him. “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? When was the last time you ate something or actually slept?”

He has, and a long time ago. Ryu hasn't been paying much mind to his appearance, and it must be affecting the patrons at sótano. Normally, he would be ashamed and furiously rectify the situation, but he can't even bring himself to care now. His heart is rotting from the inside.

“You don’t look any different from Oikawa now," Kouichi says. His eyebrows furrow, and Ryu hates how kind and fatherly his gaze is. He doesn't deserve it. "Aren't you always the one lecturing the boys about staying in shape and eating right? Whatever happened that time, with Haru... Please, get a hold of yourself. What about the little girl he found? The cat? It's not the end."

"It is."

Kouichi lets go of him, startled. Ryu lifts his hands. Despite the lack of swelling, when he clenches his hands with great effort, his fingers stiffen and refuse to budge.

"Ryu." Kouichi's eyes are fixed to his hands in horror.

"I was careless," Ryu says. Small chuckles leave his mouth, anguished and disbelieving. "My fingers won't move. I can't play the piano anymore."


End file.
